i saw a tumblr post that was "how would you die in willy wonka's chocolate factory", so i'm gonna do it for me and my fuckin' characters, long
me: i'm kind of a fuckin' weenie, but i'd make some sarcastic remark or say something's impossible. wonka would overhear, call my bluff, and i'd wind up with my ass stuffed with cream until i explode or something. would get a song.
skunk grace: basically the same, but would also refuse to wear a hairnet around her tail and probably get sucked into something and/or knock someone else to their doom. would get a song.
virus grace: intellectual property situation. long story. probably eats a secret recipe or something. would not get a song.
half adder: bathing in the warm chocolate and probably sucked up the agustus gloop tube. would get a song.
bug report: gets caught filling her translucent parts with candy like a gumball machine. would get a song.
solitaire: doesn't eat. would probably wind up an accomplice to something bad with her plus one. if she didn't get a song, she'd sing one herself. if she did, she'd sing along.
bird call: just constantly stealing whatever she can get her hands on. it takes like three or four tries to actually kick her out. they try giving her a song, but it just gives her more opportunities to steal, so they just kinda unceremoniously boot her out at the end.
diamond heist: wonka finds out she's a lawyer. no song.
dr. flux solder: relentlessly curious, sticks her big, bappy paws somewhere they don't belong and winds up getting fuckin' juiced by the chocomizer. song.
dr. helvetica scenario: suspisiously good behavior because she's trying to get the oompa-loompas back home. wonka finds her and manages to arrange an "accident" with the fizzy lifting drink, but not after she gets the oompa-loompas out of there. no song, because, well.
miss trial: basically the same as diamond heist, but with a lot more concerning questions about food safety. no song.
graceful spark: tries to be helpful and "fix" something, winds up sucked into some machine or another. song.
tennesee ernie 'bold: tries to unionize the oompa-loompas. succeeds, but Wonka manages to get her tail caught in some kind of toffee machine. kobold crunch. song.
the Lady: plushbolds get into trouble, plus Wonka is basically a rival fae, so the sparks are gonna fly at some point. he probably offers her something laced with cold iron that she's obliged to take by the rules of hospitality. song.
so, uh, neither ed nor alphonse, really
Don't let the name fool you. All the pornography here is legal, and much of it is hand-written. No fascists, no bigots.